


wish I could relive every single word

by fourleafchloe



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Spoilers, Clint Barton Feels, Clint Barton Is a Good Bro, Clint and Laura Barton's Family, Deaf Clint Barton, Gen, Infinity Stone Soul World (Marvel), Kid Gamora (Marvel), Kid Natasha Romanov, Natasha Romanov Is Not A Robot, Natasha Romanov Is a Good Bro, Not A Fix-It, Post-Avengers: Endgame (Movie), Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-29
Updated: 2019-04-29
Packaged: 2020-02-09 18:07:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 836
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18643321
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fourleafchloe/pseuds/fourleafchloe
Summary: She swallows, glances away—doesn’t say anything. Then she puts music on the speaker and sets her phone to the side.Realizing what she’s asking, Clint closes his eyes and leans back on the couch, listening.If I was dying on my knees, you would be the one to rescue meAnd if you were drowned at sea, I’d give you my lungs so you could breatheWhen he opens his eyes again, he’s crying....endgame spoilers within.natasha-centric.





	wish I could relive every single word

**Author's Note:**

> i hope. you enjoy. this sadness. i am. so. sad.

 

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Natasha is dead. 

Natasha is gone. 

Natasha is never coming back. 

She’s left him behind before, but never like this. 

Clint has fallen apart before, but never like this. 

 

* * *

 

 

He watches everyone see their family returned. 

He hugs his kids and his wife, and there’s a gaping hole in his chest when he tells them that—no. No, Auntie Nat isn’t coming home. 

He tries to be a father again. 

(He knows, at least, he will not disappoint his kids the same way he has in the past: after this—after losing her—he’s not picking up that bow again, as Hawkeye or as Ronin. 

He’s done.) 

 

* * *

 

 

From across the living room one night, Lila looks up at him and taps her temple. Clint frowns and reaches up to turn his hearing aids on. 

“Yeah, kiddo?” he prompts. 

She swallows, glances away—doesn’t say anything. Then she puts music on the speaker and sets her phone to the side. 

Realizing what she’s asking, he closes his eyes and leans back on the couch, listening. 

_ If I was dying on my knees, you would be the one to rescue me  _

_ And if you were drowned at sea, I’d give you my lungs so you could breathe  _

When he opens his eyes again, he’s crying. So is Lila. She signs Natasha’s name, and he nods. 

The song is called “Brother.” He remembers it. 

 

* * *

 

 

Two little girls sit in an endless pool of sunset. 

The water is perfectly still, enough to look like glass. Natasha will sometimes spend hours just staring at it, not moving a muscle, so that not even a ripple can disturb the illusion. 

Gamora likes to wander, though. 

 

* * *

 

 

“I didn’t want to die,” Gamora says, spinning around one of the temple columns. 

“I didn’t, either,” Natasha says. 

 

* * *

 

“I’m sorry,” Gamora says. “If—if I hadn’t—” 

“You didn’t,” Natasha interrupts. She stands up and stomps over to Gamora and takes her hands. Their small fingers interlock, and so much has led up to this moment, what they’ve seen and dealt with is so overwhelming, she almost can’t get the words out. 

“You  _ didn’t, _ ” she says. “ _ Thanos _ did. Thanos killed you just like he killed everyone else. Actually he killed you worse.” 

Gamora laughs weakly. “Oh, yeah?” she says. 

“Yeah,” Nat says. “And that’s not your fault. It’s not—it’s not your fault I had to die, either.” 

Gamora bites her lip. 

Then she nods, and squeezes Nat’s hands tighter. 

 

* * *

 

“I’m not ready,” Stephen Strange said with shaking hands, with so many kinds of vulnerability he’d never felt before. 

“No one ever is,” said the Sorcerer Supreme, and then she slipped away, knowing he would be the best of them. 

“I can’t,” Wanda Maximoff said with shaking hands, unable to fathom this kind of loss, not knowing how to say goodbye again. She’d been left behind so many times. 

“You can,” said Vision, lifting her hand to his stone—so that she might save the universe, if only for a moment. 

“No,” Clint said. “Please no.” 

“It’s okay,” Natasha said, because it was. It was going to be okay. She could do this for the universe, and he could do this for her. 

 

* * *

 

 

As she fell, she wondered at the starlight. 

 

* * *

 

 

The Soul Stone journeys through time and finds its place back where it started. Somehow in the countless eventualities of wibbly-wobbly timey-wimey stuff, two little girls with so much left to give have been allowed to find each other. 

“Y’know, based on all the time travel stuff you said, it doesn’t sound like this should work,” Gamora says one day, conversationally. 

Nat nods, staring at her feet as they walk, at the ripples she creates. “Different soul stones,” she says. “Different sacrifices.” 

“So how…” Gamora holds up her hands and spins. “...are we together?” 

Nat falters, uneven steps making a splash of sunset-water. 

“Braid my hair again,” she says. 

 

* * *

 

 

Later, once Natasha is sporting the silliest braids Gamora could imagine and Nat is knuckles-deep in Gamora’s own hair, she breathes out a sigh, and she answers. 

“I dunno why,” she says, “but I’m happy it won’t make us be alone.” 

Unexpected tears catch against Gamora’s lashes. She smiles. 

 

* * *

 

 

_ “I've lived most of my life surrounded by enemies. I would be honored to die among friends.”  _

 

* * *

 

 

I don’t want to leave them, Natasha thought, staring at the starlight once she’d fallen too far to see Clint’s face. 

I don’t want to be alone, Gamora thought. She was dying, she knew, and only a villain would bear witness. 

 

* * *

 

 

Clint tucks Nathaniel into bed. He turns the night-light on and kisses his baby goodnight. 

“He’ll never know her,” he tells Laura, voice breaking, late that night. 

“Yes, he will,” Laura says fiercely. “You’ll make sure he knows her. You won’t let anyone forget her.” 

Clint closes his eyes and kisses the palm she’s pressed against his cheek. 

“You couldn’t,” Laura says, and Clint nods, eyes burning with tears. 

 

* * *

 

 

Natasha is dead. 

Natasha is gone. 

Natasha is never coming back. 

 

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**Author's Note:**

> in conclusion endgame _broke me_ and yes i'm working on iron dad fics don't worry they're coming and they're going to be even. worse.


End file.
